Marry Shag Kill A Relationship Metaphor
What is Marry, Shag, Kill, Anyhow?
Known under several names, including “Marry, F*ck, Kill”, “Marry, Snog, Kill”, and “Marry, Kiss, Kill”, it is a game meant to rate the relative attractiveness and/or partnership suitability of celebrities or fictional characters. Usually, one person will list three characters (say, James T Kirk, Doctor McCoy, and Mister Spock). You would “force” choose which one you would “marry”, which you would “shag”, and which you would “kill” (or get rid of).
Umm… Who Are We Killing?
No one. The “kill” in “Marry, Shag, Kill” doesn’t mean “kill the person” but “dump or delete from life”. In the relationship metaphor I’ve drawn, it means “kill the relationship”.
What Do You Mean By Marry?
I am not speaking of literal marriage but of intimate friendships and partnerships. “Marry” in this sense is “trust implicitly” or “let deeply into my life. What things are you looking for in people you rely on and trust completely? Some places to start:
- Similar viewpoints on important matters
In general, you want those you let close to you to make your life better.
When they say they will do something, they will either follow through or reschedule. When you are having a bad day, they will listen, or if they can’t, they’ll work it out where they will listen later.
For instance, they will have patience with your flaws. They will encourage you (usually gently) to be a better person. They will tell you that you are good enough just the way you are.
Often, they will share their worries with you and trust that you can handle them. They will largely share your most important points of view on things. Where they don’t, they won’t believe things that you find repulsive or evil.
A Ridiculously Basic Primer on Consent Culture
“Marry, Shag, Kill” is, of course, Britishism. But “have sex with” is clunky and “f*ck” is too vulgar for my website and videos (but not for my Twitter or Facebook [grin]). So shag, in this case, doesn’t literally mean “have sex with”, but more like “have fun with” or “get things done with”.
Shagging can be part of this if you like, and the other person consents (and it isn’t an inappropriate work relationship). But the point of this category of relationships is that they are casual, fun, and not serious, or you work well together to get things done.
This is not the person you tell your deepest fears to, or share your traumas with. This is someone you joke with, go to movies with, play games with, and sometimes, shag. So the traits you’ll look for in people in this category in your life will be different. For instance, what traits will you look for in casual friends, co-workers, and playmates?
Here are some ideas:
- good sense of humor
- enjoy some of the same things
- basic respect for each others’ points of view
- work well together
- enjoy each other’s company
For the most part, people in the “shag” category will not necessarily know much about you, nor will you know much about them in terms of the very important things in your life. You will know what they like to do in their spare time. Or you will what things they are good at (and not good at) at work.
You may know what kind of touching they enjoy (if it’s an actual “shag” relationship) and that they don’t enjoy. You will probably know some of their favorite movies and books. And not necessarily a lot more.
On Boundaries: Defining Boundaries
What About “Kill” (The Relationship)
Those with whom you want to “kill” the relationship are going to be people who bring you down. In general, if you find yourself stressed around them, or find you don’t like yourself around them, it’s time to keep your distance.
Often, “Kill” relationships (unfortunately) include relationships that you must keep in your life for one reason or another. For instance, you might have to keep bosses, spouses of family members or close friends, some relatives, and perhaps even professionals providing services in your life.
When this happens, “kill” the relationship means to keep the person at a distance, choose not to give them any more of your energy than you have to, and prioritize your safety (emotional and physical).
Some characteristics of “kill” relationships include people who:
- are constantly or mostly negative people (about themselves, the world, or you).
- believe you are fundamentally “bad” or “wrong” (not good enough) to be treated with basic courtesy and respect.
- have prejudices and encourage discrimination against you or people you care about (or anyone, for that matter).
- lie to you about things important to you.
- repeatedly won’t respect your boundaries after you’ve set them clearly.
- invalidate your feelings and experiences.
- are frequently intentionally or thoughtlessly cruel.
Some folks in the “kill the relationship” category will have moved from “marry” or “shag” to “kill” because of their behavior. Some of them will be people you must interact with. And some you will be able to cut all contact with and save your energy for people who fit better into your life. It’s extremely rare for someone to move from “kill” to “shag” or “marry”. The sorts of beliefs and behaviors that put people in the “kill” category are generally very deep and long-lasting.
Do You Really Mean “Kill”?
No, I do not. I mean that you end, or limit, the relationship as much as you can. Do this with your safety in mind. Might you need to get a restraining order or call law enforcement? Do that.
Perhaps you need to block them on social media? That’s okay. What about “ghosting” someone you were previously in a relationship with that is no longer in the “marry” or “shag” category. That is also okay.
If you find that you struggle to ignore people who make your life harder, get support from others, or build your routine in such a way that they are easier to ignore.
Executive Function Part 2: Hacks and Workarounds
What is Your Point, Anyhow?
My point is that relationships are complicated. We need to fill our lives, as much as possible, with people who support us in becoming the best we can be, and love us when we can’t be our best.
Also, we need to have fun relationships and work relationships that are easy-going and mutually satisfactory, and respectful. Finally, we need to limit, as much as we can, relationships in our life that devalue our humanity or are stressful and generally negative.
This is just an introduction to the topic of relationships. There will be (lots more) videos and audio streams and podcasts on how relationships and mental health interact, so always check the relationships tag for more if you need more.
How the “Wellness” Industry Promotes Eating Disorders
Microfiction: Enthusiastic Consent
Parenting: The Case Of The Dirty Rotten Little Milk-Spiller
On Boundaries: Scripts to Set Your Material Boundaries
Microfiction: Our Trans-Cyborg Overlords
Four By Four: Protecting Your Physical Boundaries
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